I decided to use this amazing opportunity to take a deeper dive into an internal conflict that I have faced throughout my entire life, and that many other people can relate to, that has shaped me into the person I am today, and will continue to evolve for the rest of my life. I grew up in a very white-dominated community as a white-passing mixed-race woman. The identity crisis that has bestowed upon me is something that I have consistently found myself compressing and pushing to the back of my mind since I first began recognizing it as such, at an early age. With that, through many different aspects of my life and upbringing, I have seen so many different impacts that I would love to speak on and layout in a clear and defined manner. Today’s society is evolving in so many ways, and growing up as an a-typical outside in a sea of uniformity is a very important position. 

Our Filipino Bonds and the Impact They Have:

    It’s a common stereotype that Filipino people value family, and the connection amongst it, to a very strong degree. My large family is strong proof of this. Growing up, my family spent a lot of weekends and afternoons meeting up with dozens and dozens of our relatives and friends. These events consisted of an extensive layout of food, games, music, and friendly conversations full of laughter and catching up. Over the years, I became more and more aware of one difference that separated me and my siblings from the other kids we would run around with. “Why don’t I look like them?” I remember asking myself this. Although the different families consisted of mixed-race couples and various cultures, my brother, sister, and I always looked more “caucasian” than the rest of them. 
     Around Christmas time, my mom has always loved hosting parties. All of our close family friends, those which we considered being relatives, and family would come together to celebrate. Even in my own house, I remember the feeling of isolation and separation from those I was meant to feel strong connections to. This wasn’t easy for me. 

Sitting in the Lunchroom:

      Lake Forest, IL: a small suburb north of the great city, Chicago. Since 2008, age 6, I have lived in this relatively tight-knit community of, what is known by those around to be, a very affluent body of people. This town is the definition of the word “bubble”. Throughout all 12 years that I spent living there, it became very clear to me that I stuck out. My high school was dominated by white people having over 85% in that category. Through elementary school and middle school, I wasn’t very aware of this statistic and the implications that it had on the community as a whole. Once I reached high school though, it became clear to me, in various facets. 
      Imagine you’re sitting in the crowded high school lunchroom. You’re in the busiest period so people are moving all around you: throwing their garbage out, coming back with the hot lunches from the lunch line, coming from class, working last minute on school assignments, goofing around with their friends, etc. You’re me: an identity crisis possessing 15-year-old sitting with her 3 white friends and one mixed white-Pakastani friend. Looking around the lunchroom, you can easily identify different groups of people; it is almost like a high school movie set, only not as dramatically distinct. Because of the lack of diversity of the school, it seemed that all of the different race groups had ended up collecting together. At one table sat a group of mostly Asian girls, at another the Hispanic, and dispersed all around was a sea of white people. 
      I spent a lot of my time in high school examining this setting. I sat with my very culturally enriched mixed friend. Just at a glance, it was easy to identify her as being a beautiful middle-eastern girl. Looking at myself in a mirror, I had only ever seen a white girl. Why didn’t I look Asian? Then I would think about those at tables around me. I could never fit in with the groups of Asian girls. I’m just not white enough. The real issues began one step further than this. I didn’t feel confident that I fit in with my white friends either. I never felt comfortable talking about things that I knew they wouldn’t relate to. Why did I have to feel this internal struggle? Why wasn’t it getting better?

Racism in School:

     One big factor in the guilt that I had due to the identity crisis that I faced was in regards to the terrible discrimination that is racism. Being from a primarily white community, the degree to which this prejudice was present was high. All around the school, you would hear privileged white boys slipping the n-word into their conversations, because “the impact didn’t seem important as there were only up to 5 black students in our class”. Growing up in this environment where racism wasn’t always recognized as the terror that it is, I battled within myself. 
  I heard people making terrible comments about other Asian students. Of course, I would stand up when I could and do as much as I could but this didn’t stop me from feeling strong amounts of personal pain. Why did these students have to suffer while I am untouched? Why does my physical appearence have to outweight the degree to which I was attacked. Obviously because I didn’t meet the physical and internal stereotypes that others may have and this played a big role.
    You probably wouldn’t think that this situation would play a big role in someones’ life, but it does. It did in mine. People are ruthless. It’s hard to put my exact emotions into words as I have felt pain from both sides. Racism is inexcusable. 

Hope College: 

    The abrupt end of my high school career leads me into an abrupt entrance to the new environment I will be spending four years in, Hope College, Holland, MI. To say the summer of 2020 passed by in a blink is an understatement; one second I was at my high school’s drive-thru graduation and the next I was unpacking and setting up my college dorm. 
  I knew from the moment I made my college decision that  I was moving from one white dominated stepping stone to another as Hope College isn’t the most diverse college I could’ve selected. The ways in which this has impacted me personally is very interesting to analyze.
    To start, I grew up amonst the same group of 400 people. With that being the case, by the time we all graduated my ethnicity wasn’t something that people didn’t know. That doesn’t mean  I talked about it everyday and it was just known, it just was something people were aware of. Moving into a setting where that fact was completely unknown by anyone was weird. My internal identity issues have made it so that I don't think my physical outward appearance reflects my race and culture. Because of this, I planned to make it more known by attending clubs and events that I could meet people I related to. Little did I know that with the outbreak of a deadly virus, a lot of my expectations and experiences would not be met or occur. 
My time here is not close to being complete, so I am confident that I will find my people and will relate to others, but for now that has proved to be harder than I thought. Without the incorporation of my culture in school, and not being able to attend any family events or even be with my family has been hard in these regards. I’ve found a lot of importance in media expression through this transition, though. The connection to others through political and cultural posts through social media has been one way I’ve been able to express myself. This is a step in society that has been a strong benefit for someone who feels their voice is small. Things will be alright, and for now I have what I need.

Being "White-Passing" in Media:

     Personally, I haven't heard many experiences from celebrities who fall into the category of "white-passing mixed-race women". There is one situation that has been brought to my attention that is about the pop singer, Halsey. She is a biracial woman who tweeted this:

The backlash that she received for this comment is shocking for me to see. The reaction she got for speaking out about how she feels she identifies and is impacted on in this regard is hard for me to read as someone who is in a similar situation. Having seen her speak out though is immensely empowering. No one is alone in this world and communities are built to get through things together. I hope that the future is full of more awareness and education for all different cultures and communities!

In Music:

Diversity in the music industry has played a big part in finding my identity. Music is a form of art that I personally value a lot and seeing so many different cultures and people of color be made so prominent is so inspiring. There is still so much to come, and I'm excited to watch as it grows!

Here is a playlist of diversity in today's "pop"!

Today's Politics:

      As I assume you all know, in early June a rise in the Black Lives Matter movement errupted and has been continuing strong since. Through this enourmous “revolution”, I have found myself doing a tons of research on various parts of the movement. Although I may not be black or part of this community in which change is needed, I have felt a lot of personal influence from this period in time. I have experienced a lot of comfort and warmth from the depths of this movement. It has exposed many clear changes that society is going through, and more that need to occur. People are standing up and fighting for things that need to be adjusted, and I am so grateful for the opportunities I have to participate in it.
    In my life, recognizing myself as a minority has felt almost inappropriate. Why should I speak out for people when I don’t even look like I participate and am part of the culture? I’ve felt almost ashamed. The political changes that generation-Z and the rest of the world are creating have really changed my perspective on this. Seeing people my age stepping up to make change is extraordinarily inspiring. In addition to the BLM movement, the entirety of the 2020 US Presidential Election has nurtured a lot of inspiration.
    The 46th Presidential Elect has introduced the countries first female vice president. Not only that, but a female person of color. This enormous event in American history is life changing. Minorities can now start to feel represented. Younger generations of minorities can see the world of opportunities that they have in front of them. The plethora of changes in society through politics have impacted my personal perspective of my own life, on groups of younger people, and on world as a whole. There is so much to come, and these events have made that clear!

Gender Conversations in English 113:

      Being mixed race isn’t the only biological factor of myself that makes me who I am. I am a woman, and that means so much to me. In this course, having such genuine and open conversations about gender has been so amazing for me. I had not ever experienced such a focus on this subject in a school setting ever before.
   We all got to read about ways in which advertisements have incorporated gender inequality and gender norms. The awareness that this brings helps to kick-start change! This class has increased my passion in making societal changes for all genders and all races! 

An Inspiring Uprise of Diversity in the Film Industry:

      Here are a few movies from the past couple of years that have inspired me so much as not only a woman of color, but just as a human being:

     This particular upcoming film, "Raya and the Last Dragon" has had an enormous impact on me. When I first heard that there would be a southeast-Asian Disney "princess", I teared up. Having grown up with the only films about my Asian culture being Mulan, my awareness on the NEED for further representation was heightened.
      There are more movies about strong and brave women, movies focused on more cultures and races, and so on. The world, and society, is really changing and growing which is so empowering to see.

My Concluding Thoughts:

      Through this assignment, I have gotten a chance to analyze this part of myself that I hadn't previously had the chance, and even courage, to pick apart. I've come to recognize the importance in knowing why you feel the way that you feel; this plays a big role in overcoming and finding solutions to your problems.
    I have had many amazing and not-so-amazing experiences come from my cultural identity and background, all of which have helped to form me into who I am today. My views on the growing generation, as well as those who are coming after, and the impact that they are making are so important. People are finally starting conversations about topics that people may have felt too scared to talk about before. The world is growing as time is passing and getting to live to see the change is such a blessing!
      I encourage everyone to seek empowerment in every aspect of themselves. Free yourself from any ties you gave found yourself locked in!